What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 01:17
I have no regrets .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Put me off passion for life!!
How do you go about getting invited to an orgy?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She wouldn,t have been !
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
How can I get my ex-husband to love me again?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She loved him until the end.
Why can't we send flat Earthers to space and show them the shape of Earth?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Especially a lifetime of it.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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My family never makes their pension either.
When she asked me how she looked .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Why do we exist, and why are we conscious?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Ive learnt so much.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I never cut or harmed myself..
What habits do happy couples have?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I could never make a relationship work though!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
What did i know ?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
So whats the point in blame.
Im still living with it.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Would this be the day?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was seconnd youngest,
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was very sick at this time too.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He knew the spot.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
All the time i was locked up.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She was in good health!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
One cannot live in the past .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I said to her
I write beautiful poetry .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She married twice! .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Comes on , in middle age.
We were not on the streets..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He resisted the act ,that day.
My life is so biszare .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was scared of men, in general
But, we were locked up after school.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But it wasn’t much.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Who then, do I blame.?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As i do to all so called friends.?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
It was going to be , some day.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was 9 years of age.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I think the readers, may guess!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I don,t even have a pension.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I will be 64.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She found it foreign!.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
This is soul school!.
We all went to grammer schools
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
So, i spoilt her more .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And i lived it daily.
I waited trembling.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Why did i forgive my father ?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!